Dear Diary, for my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess -- with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!
TUESDAY: I drank 44oz of Diet Coke, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.
THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny chick to find me Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and give a prayer of thanks that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little brat) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
21 comments:
Bless any of you who sat and read all of this. You have to admit it is funny.
Alison, I edited it just for you.
I almost spewed out my Ensure. Anorexia is over-rated. At least it is chocolate ensure.
Even I would bend for diamonds. I might faint but it would be worth it.
Have fun at the gym! Let's get physical...
I received this as an email a while back and I about died laughing - it's a good one! I agree with way too much of it!
Too funny!!
that is SO funny - and proof, once again, that there are better ways to spend my money!!
yes, even i would bend over for diamonds and I have a ginormous belly in my way! i love that story, it is so true when you start working out. Um, I miss you, we haven't had our usual hang out time. :(
lol....and I LITERRALY laughed out loud!! So funny!
That was very funny! I need to try that brushing your teeth trick sometime.
Thanks for the edit. I'm not offended anymore. Plus, the Diet Coke line is so much more applicable!
I read that somewhere before. It is hilarious!
I totally thought you wrote this! It was still hilarious, and made me spew diet coke onto the keyboard. Excellent.
I have tears rolling down my cheeks from the laughter!!!! Oh, so, so good!
I liked Thursday the best. I almost peed myself.
I'll take the diamonds too!
Not ever, ever have I felt like that! I look just like Olivia Newton John when I go work out, smile on my face, headband in place!!
The whole time, I kept asking myself if there was really anyone 26 who was named Belinda. Of course, this coming from someone named Martha.
I have heard this story before! So funny! Makes ya feel a little better about life!
That was hilarious, I thought you really wrote it and I was dying!!! That is so funny though. Amen.
Ha! Good one. Love that picture. How many years did I want to be Olivia Newton-John?
I was going to nominate you for a Pulitzer for writing that!! Then I thought how clever John was for putting Lizzie's name on the gift.
My evil sister in law's (who I hope never reads what I just wrote) name is Belinda. That says volumes to me.
And my husband says that a root canal done correctly shouldn't hurt at all. Just a little dental clarification.
too funny!!! hey, i have a quick question for you. can you email me? my email is in my profile. thanx.
No Pain No Gain is an antiquated term don't you think? I say bring on the carbs and nappy time!!!
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